Primary Self Interest- A Key Motivator

This is chapter from my book 'Don't Regret Later - A Book For Corporate Freshers'.


One must be truthful with oneself about one’s own motives, especially if one is to survive in the world. It takes rigor and it takes courage – Alain French

I am convinced that the majority of people would be generous from selfish motives, if they had the opportunity – Charles Dudley Warner

An organization is primarily a collection of individuals, who are actually pursuing their own respective Primary Self Interests within the organization. Primary Self Interest as defined here, refers to the prime reason for an individual to seek employment in a particular organization. This prime reason may or may not be apparent to anyone else in the organization.

While the Primary Self Interest of each individual working for a particular organization, is likely to differ from the other, but at the same time they are likely to identify themselves with the various aspects of the organization, someway or the other. This is of course assuming that all such individuals have taken a well thought out decision, to join that particular organization.

Of course, greater the extent of identity of an individual’s Primary Self Interest with the various aspects of the organization, greater would be the motivational levels of the individual, which would further propel him towards superior levels of performance.

To take some typical examples of Primary Self Interests:

• proximity of the organization to one’s residence,

• a better identity in the society by virtue of being associated with a particular organization,

• an opportunity to meet important people and establish a rapport with them during the course of one’s job,

• an opportunity to do something constructive for one’s community or one’s society,

• an opportunity to better address the current priorities on one’s personal front such as completing the construction of one’s house, not disturbing the education of one’s children, looking after one’s aged parents who do not wish to move out of the city,

• an opportunity to become the CEO of some other organization few years down the line by virtue of one’s work experience in the current organization, which is considered to be the market leader and a well respected name in the industry,

• an opportunity to rise up to the ranks of the current organization and be one of the senior Directors, or a member of the senior management one fine day, thereby drawing an enviable salary and perks, besides hobnobbing with the who’s and who of the corporates across the world, and so on.

These are some of the examples of Primary Self Interests in individuals which if well identified with a particular organization, would induce higher motivational levels in those individuals, and which in turn would propel them towards higher levels of performance.

Of course, the overall environment in the organization, its policies, vision, goals, compensation structure, quality of the senior management, reputation in the industry etc, do play an important role in providing the necessary support structure in enabling their respective employees to further their motivational levels, which were earlier ignited by virtue of their respective Primary Self Interests.

But, unless and until one’s motivational levels are not ignited through one’s Primary Self Interest/s, the various organizational factors as listed above and others, cannot do much in terms of sparking off those motivational levels to propel an individual towards higher performance levels in the organization.

Furthermore, when the individual’s Primary Self Interest ceases to hold any relevance to him, or is replaced by any other Primary Self Interest through which he just cannot identify with the current organization any more, then his motivational levels are likely to reduce, which in turn could prompt him to seek a career change in some other organization, where he can identify a better realization of his latest Primary Self Interest.

To illustrate this hypothesis by way of some examples:

a) An individual’s initial Primary Self Interest could be the proximity of one’s residence to the place of work, which in turn enables him to lead a better quality of life, besides all those savings on time, effort, and money required to commute to and fro the workplace. He is able to walk across to his workplace in the morning, and then walk back to his residence in the evening. This is a big advantage for this individual who hates commuting to and fro in the overcrowded roads, getting stuck in traffic jams etc. Now, if his organization were to relocate elsewhere in the city, which would now entail this particular individual to commute at least an hour per day and that too one way, then that would be an end of his Primary Self Interest vis a vis that organization. Now, if this is not replaced by another Primary Self Interest of this individual vis a vis this organization, say for example, expectation of a promising career opportunity in the near term, then his interest in the organization is likely to wane, and which could induce him to seek a career move, or

b) If the individual’s initial Primary Self Interest is to become a member of the senior management of the organization within a particular time frame, and if on the other hand he later discovers that he does not possess those specific qualifications and skill sets, to make that particular grade in the organization, then again his Primary Self Interest vis a vis this particular organization is most likely to lose its relevance, which in turn would certainly propel him to seek an opportunity in some other organization, where he could realize his Primary Self Interest. But, if his Primary Self Interest of making it to the senior management level within a particular time frame, is replaced by some other Primary Self Interest, say for example, being well established in the organization for so many years, and thus would rather prefer to consolidate his position in the current organization, rather than take that risk to venture out to some unknown organization in order to realize his original Primary Self Interest of becoming a member of the senior management, then his identity with the current organization is unlikely to be impacted adversely, thus enabling him to retain those necessary motivation levels.

For an individual employee, it thus becomes vital to guide his own career using this concept of Primary Self Interest. Yes, as every individual is different, there can be no doubt about the fact that there could be ‘n’ number of Primary Self Interests, all working towards and contributing quite significantly towards maintaining those high motivational levels of the respective employees in an organization, a hypothesis indicated in the beginning of this chapter.

As a passing reference, from the managerial perspective, it needs to be mentioned that the identification of such Primary Self Interests remains a key challenge, in devising the right retention strategies for each promising and a valuable human resource of an organization. However, this observation should only be taken as a passing reference, the main objective of this chapter is to guide a Corporate Fresher, to navigate his career successfully.

And of course, the Primary Self Interest also has the capability to enable an individual not to get unduly disturbed or disoriented by any imperfections in the organization, such as some erroneous decisions of the senior management or less than optimal levels of overall internal environment in the organization, which otherwise has the potential to cause much demoralization among the staff.

The reason is simple, the urge to realize one’s Primary Self Interest can make a Corporate Fresher relatively immune to any adverse developments in the organization as long as his Primary Self Interest is not threatened. Say for example, if an employee who is otherwise well established in the organization, is pursuing a part time professional course, with the intent of scouting for better career opportunities post that course, then any adverse decision like an unfair distribution of bonus or controversial changes in the organization is unlikely to impact him adversely, as long as he is able to attend his evening classes, and get leave to prepare and appear for his examinations. After all, he intends to scout for better career opportunities later on.

Based on my own experience, as well as the experiences of some of my friends, I am of the firm belief that without that well identified Primary Self Interest in an employee, even the most highly progressive organizations of the world would fail to get that kind of a commitment from their employees. And on the other hand, the identification of this Primary Self Interest can bring out the best in an employee, notwithstanding the sub optimal levels of other hygiene or motivational factors in his organization.

Yes, some of the Primary Self Interests may or may not agree with the stated objectives of the organization. For e.g. someone may desire to become the CEO of that organization one fine day, or head one of the business units. This would certainly agree with the stated objectives of the organization.

On the other hand, someone may want to master the business of the organization, and then one fine day establish his own enterprise on parallel lines to this organization. Certainly, no organization would really wish to be training institute to churn out entrepreneurs, who may pose a threat to this very organization one fine day. Or, someone may desire to be the CEO of one of the competing organizations. Again, no organization would like to groom an employee of theirs so that one fine day, he or she takes over as the CEO of a competing organization. But it happens, doesn’t it?

Don't Regret Later - A Book For Corporate Freshers

Would you support an initiative, aimed at enabling Corporate Freshers avoid some costly mistakes or blunders, in the highly unpredictable and fiercely competitive corporate world?

I am pleased to release the second edition of my book, Don’t Regret Later, as part of this initiative. Following are the details of the same.

The Mission

Given a choice, would you not prefer to avoid some costly mistakes or blunders, in the highly competitive and uncertain corporate world, thereby condemning yourself to live in regret, possibly for ever?

Regrets are a part of one’s life. It is not uncommon to hear some people say:

“I really regret not realizing the value of a professional qualification from a reputed institution, thereby fooling myself by believing that I could make it without it.” Or,

“I really regret not developing the right perspective towards my responsibilities, which led to major avoidable setbacks in my career.” Or,

“I really regret not realizing the fact that career planning can’t be outsourced to any organization or individual, thus being quite casual about it.” Or,

“Wish I had the maturity to realize the fact that by affixing my signature on any piece of paper, I am certifying that I have examined the contents on that paper meticulously, understand the possible consequences, and am willing to accept responsibilities for the same as well.”

And so on...

Such statements are not mere sighs of disappointments in one’s life. Rather, these are an indication of the ill fate, which has befallen upon an individual, not by any supernatural force, but by the individual himself.

While quite a few incidents and events which an individual experiences in life, could be preordained or unavoidable, yet there is no doubt about the fact that a significant part of one’s overall well being, and the ‘ups and downs’ in one’s life, could also be attributed to one’s own self.

Some of these very factors could be so potent or so devastating in their impact, that one may be condemned to live in regret throughout one’s life, without any hope of deliverance from the ill effects of those regrettable actions/decisions once made.

It is precisely to prevent at least some of such devastating and regrettable actions/decisions of those, who have just embarked upon a career in the highly competitive and highly uncertain corporate world, whom I would refer to as Corporate Freshers, and also those who are about to embark upon the same, that I decided to author this book.


It’s Importance

Till the time one completes one’s education, one usually tends to live in a ‘make believe world’, which is often far divorced from reality. This is not surprising or unusual, because one is generally not exposed to such harsh realities or bitter truths of the corporate world, till one actually experiences it. For a novice, learning usually comes the hard way, such as by committing some costly mistakes or blunders, which could be absolutely unacceptable in the corporate world. Some of such costly mistakes or blunders could be so devastating in their impact, that erring Corporate Freshers, could be condemned to live with the after effects, throughout their careers.

Reflecting back on my own days as a Corporate Fresher, as well as having observed some of my former colleagues very closely, when they made their debut in the corporate world, I am convinced, that some of the costly mistakes or blunders usually committed in the initial phases of one’s career and later on can be avoided, provided one is given the right perspective of the corporate world.

And yes, given the ever increasing competition, for the same limited opportunities in the corporate world, the tolerance levels for such costly mistakes or blunders are only diminishing by the day.

Value Proposition

This book is primarily based on real life incidents, some of which have pertain to my professional life so far, while some pertain to the professional lives of some of my former colleagues and acquaintances, besides others. Thus, as this is not a work of fiction, the readers would find it relatively easy to identify themselves with the various anecdotes as narrated in this book, and drive home the relevant conclusions.

Furthermore, this book aims at enabling Corporate Freshers and other readers, develop the right perspective towards their respective professional careers, in which they have just made their debut, or which lie ahead of them. Specifically, while attempting to enable them avoid any major pitfalls in their professional lives which lie ahead, this book could also enable them the much desired ‘head start’, in the highly competitive and highly uncertain corporate world.

Thus, if a Corporate Fresher is genuinely interested in controlling his /her professional career to a great extent, by avoiding as many costly mistakes or blunders as possible, in the highly competitive and highly uncertain corporate world, then one can make an appropriate beginning with this book titled Don’t Regret Later.

End Objective

This book is intended to be a journey and not a destination. At the very least, the end objective of this book is to begin that endless journey with a single step, which is enabling Corporate Freshers, develop the right mindset at such crucial juncture of their lives, with which they are able to realize the harsh realities of their professional lives ahead, as well as identify and avoid some costly mistakes or blunders as they move on. Needless to add, this could also enable them the much desired ‘head start’ in their careers ahead.

Look forward to your views and support.

Navneet Dhawan

New Delhi.

email - navneetdhawan@dontregretlater.com

Don't Regret Later - A Book For Corporate Freshers

Would you support an initiative, aimed at enabling Corporate Freshers avoid some costly mistakes or blunders, in the highly unpredictable and fiercely competitive corporate world?

I am pleased to release the second edition of my book, Don’t Regret Later, as part of this initiative. Following are the details of the same.

The Mission

Given a choice, would you not prefer to avoid some costly mistakes or blunders, in the highly competitive and uncertain corporate world, thereby condemning yourself to live in regret, possibly for ever?

Regrets are a part of one’s life. It is not uncommon to hear some people say:

A Challenge called 'Teenagers'

Few days ago, a seventeen year old was held, for allegedly meticulously planning, and then killing a senior citizen in Delhi.

As a tenant in his victim's house, this teenager had also reportedly committed thefts, which were discovered by his landlord, who then threw him out of the house, besides realizing the loss from his parents.

Naturally, now his parents are in a state of disbelief.

Disturbed by this incident, I am reminded of a chapter from my work, "Don't Regret Later', which is being reproduced herewith. Of course, this chapter does not appear in the current edition of the book, and is intended for one of the future editions.


Youngsters tend to live as if adolescence were a last fling at life, rather than a preparation for it – Time

A mother understands what a child does not say – Jewish Proverb

Some time ago , the news of a school student of class eight shooting dead one of his schoolmates with his father’s revolver , sent shock waves throughout the country.

How could a teenager who was still in school take such a drastic step, irrespective of the fact that his victim was reportedly a big bully in school, and the accused had decided to settle scores with his tormentor with the help of his father’s weapon?

While this incident triggered a debate in the media, and reasons like changed circumstances of today, and over exposure to mass media which in turn has been accused of glamorizing violence to some extent, especially through cinema etc. were floated. As in the case of other such sensational incidents, this case too died a natural death where the media was concerned, even though the legal proceedings against the main accused and others would continue at its pace.

This incident brought alive memories of my own days as a teenager almost three decades back at the time of writing this chapter. The place and times were totally different as compared to the present days. It was a small town those days, where I grew up, and was far more conservative in outlook and traditional in approach. Fear of elders , school teachers, and parents was one of the key driving force in the day to day lives of we teenagers.

I recall when I was in class 8th, I was engaged in a bitter rivalry with one of my classmates, who coincidentally was from the same colony where I used to stay those days. Both of us needed the slightest excuse to be at each other’s throats, and during the school recess, many a times, we were engaged in a free style wrestling match with each other.

Things became so bad between us , that in order to settle scores with this ‘enemy’ of mine, I befriended two of my other classmates who were considered to be toughies. These toughies agreed to help me out, and with the help of some local goons to teach a lesson to this enemy of mine. But mercifully enough, things finally cooled down between both of us, before things went out of control, and any disastrous incident took place.

Then, I also remember a big bully in our colony who was a couple of years senior to me. He used to get that sadistic pleasure in bullying everyone including me. As he was physically stronger than me those days, there was no way I could dare to engage myself on a one to one combat with him. Coincidentally, there was another friend of mine from the same locality who too was fed up with this bully.

He once told me that some of his school mates were real goons, and they could help us to settle scores with this bully. I requested him for his help in this regard, and two days later, on a sly we managed to persuade this bully to accompany us to a nearby playground, where those goons were waiting. Immediately, they swooped on this bully, thrashed him and delivered a stern warning to him that if he did not mend his ways, he may not live too long. Both my friend and I were really pleased over this accomplishment of ours.

That evening, the parents of this bully landed over at my place, and informed my parents about the “progress” I was had made in terms of socializing with some anti social elements. Further, they also narrated the incident of their son getting bashed up by such elements at my behest.

My parents were simply shocked, and I remember Dad giving me a piece of his mind in front of the visitors. I meekly told them that their son was a bully and used to trouble me every now and then. As my parents and his parents had regards for each other , things were sorted out there and then. While their son mended his ways, I stopped socializing with this boy who had organized those goons.

Looking back at two incidents during my teenage days, and learning about instances of deviant behaviors of far serious magnitude, from some of the teenagers these days, I am convinced of the fact that the period of teens are perhaps the most challenging and difficult phase of one’s life. While the teenagers may be struggling to come to terms with this new phase in their lives, and may also get a misplaced sense of achievement by indulging in certain types of deviant behavior, it is the parents who have to primarily face the consequences of such deviant behavior of their teenaged wards.

Of course, such teenagers themselves expect their parents to pick up the broken pieces in their lives, and bail them out. While it was relatively easier those days when I was a teenager, owing to the relative ‘mildness’ of our deviant behavior then, as compared to what prevails these days, I must admit that my heart goes out to the parents of some such teenagers, who have to live with permanent scars in their lives, besides in the lives of their wards, all due to the misguided thought process of such teenagers.

Let’s face it, it could be very tempting for such teenagers to indulge in anti social behavior, or rebel against the circumstances in the wrong way. This temptation could in fact get aggravated if the teenagers coming from affluent families see their rich and powerful parents, themselves flouting the norms and misusing their power and position to bend the rules, and then getting away with it. This can instill a false belief in them that their rich and powerful parents, would be able to bail them out every time they are in the wrong side of the law.

For all the parents whose children have reached that ‘danger zone’ called teenage, it is thus very important to maintain that proximity and comfort level with their children so that the latter do not hesitate even a bit to confide their problems or confusion to their parents. The problem does not rest there, once the parents are aware of the problems or confusion faced by their teenaged wards, they should test their own analytical and communication skills to enable their teenaged wards inculcate the right thought process, and do not let themselves on the wrong path, at the end of which there could be nothing but untold misery for their wards. Of course, such parents would also be condemned to suffer in the bargain.

Needless to add, all the sermons, lectures, pleadings, etc. by the parents would come to a naught if not backed up by their own right conduct at all times. Also it is very essential for the parents to implement a disciplined code of conduct for their wards which the latter have to follow come what may, so that there is no temptation as well as an opportunity to be led astray.

Yes, this could be a real challenge for some parents who are perhaps too lost in their own world of riches, power, position, and dreams of endless opportunities for themselves.

But then isn't this worth it, when compared to the dangerous consequences of their teenaged wards, creating irreversible damages in their own lives, as well as the lives of their parents, for which there can only be regret all their lives?

A feedback on the book 'Don't Regret Later"

Navneet to briefly express my impression of the book,it is formidable task indeed!! It is something like attempting to ‘put a quart into a pint pot’. Nevertheless, to put it into nutshell, I must say that you’ve hit the nail on the head and touched the bottomline having dealt with the nuts and bolts of your sublime objectives.

The book is the need of the hour. You’ve rightly highlighted how innumerable youths have been ending their precious gift of lives by taking wrong decisions and even committing suicides thereby not only ruining their own lives but also those of their near and dear ones who are left languishing in emotional and mental agony for the rest of their lives. You’ve also provided plausible explanations that such youths are primarily victims of frustration, depression, suppression, hopelessness, helplessness, disappointments, and so on having failed to cope with the ground realities.

‘Don’t Regret Later’ bridges the gap between hindsight and foresight, dreams and realities, success and failure, aptitude and attitude, the means and ends etc. Written in an autobiographical genre, the book provides insight, vision, direction, motivation, positive attitude and appropriate approach to make one’s life meaningful, purposeful, productive and fuller.

Each chapter is well entitled and begins with relevant and most appropriate quotations which proves your points and professional skills. The correlation between the title of the book – ‘Don’t Regret Later’ and the following each chapter together with the close knit coherent arguments for and against each subject ( that is Heading) of discussion and substantiated by life related true illustrations are some of the characteristics of the book that make it worthy reading. I am looking forward to many more such and other life saving books

Affectionately Yours
Sir.
Mr. B.K. Mandrelle
Kolkata

“ I am a 25 year old unmarried man...."

A question posed to Dr. Deepak Chopra by a reader of Times of India.

“ I am a 25 year old unmarried man. I read your fortnightly column regularly and want to ask a general question. What is marriage? What factors should individuals consider before getting married, no matter of it is a love marriage or arranged marriage?"

This question along with Dr. Chopra’s response appeared in Times of India dated 21st March, 2010.

While admiring the response of Dr. Chopra, this question has tempted me to share a chapter from my work “Don’t Regret Later”, even though it does not appear in the present edition of the book, which caters mainly to the senior school students.


Real Meaning of Marriage

To make a man happy , a woman has to be loving, compassionate and very sympathetic. She has to stimulate his mind and keep him alert and interested. Most of all she has to inspire him to reach for the stars – Dame Barbara Cartland

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences – Dave Mecerer

It would be worth the while to consider the entire process leading to a ceremony called “marriage”, quite typically in our society.

The parents of the eligible grooms and brides generally have predefined standards of elimination/selection of the prospective families considered worthy enough to be ‘acquired’ or ‘merged with’. Their net worth, market standing in terms of social status, place of domicile, mother tongue, religion, and even caste (who says the caste system is dead?) are the primary common factors applicable to both brides as well as the grooms side of the families.

For prospective grooms – their physical statistics, color of skin, present earnings, and the future potential earnings, education are another factors considered. If he smokes and drinks occasionally, and has friends belonging to the opposite sex, then these do raise some eyebrows. If he is working abroad, then his net worth goes up exponentially (who says foreign brands do not command a premium)

For the prospective brides, the critical minimum determinants are the physical characteristics which would include the length of the hair, the color of her skin, and the health of eyes (the moral right to wear spectacles is perhaps restricted to males only)

After these conditions are met, comes the next stage – which is matching of the horoscopes . (How many of us recollect those predictions by learned astrologers in our own cases, which actually came true? Then why do we rely so much on these documents when it comes to the most critical decision of our life, which can make or mar not only our own lives but also those of the immediate relations as well? By the way, today’s youths pride themselves of being far better educated and being better informed than their previous generations.)

The period of courtship which follows immediately after the engagement ceremony is generally treated as nothing but a social sanction to date. No wonder it is called the best period in marital life. If only it were treated as an occasion for frank discussions, and familiarizing each other with the family cultures, intended lifestyles etc. to create realistic expectations on both sides, things would be far better for the young couple post marriage. And should any serious indication of non compatibility between the two come up, then the young couple should seriously reconsider the proposed plan to go ahead and tie the knot. Without aiming to sound pessimistic, it needs to be emphasized that broken engagement is any day far better than a unhappy marriage.

The ceremonies that follow are nothing but a means of decadent exhibitionism aimed at claiming a higher status in the society, of which we ourselves are not convinced about . ( Who says showmanship is restricted to the world of entertainment?).

In most of the cases , right from the time an alliance is finalized till the wedding ceremony is over, the usual topic of discussion within the families involved as well as others , includes : what all the other side has gifted to their respective son in law and daughter in law, the quantity and quality of various wedding related functions organized by the bride’s and the groom’s side of the family, the likely expenses incurred in each function, etc etc. This lasts only for a few days after the wedding related ceremonies are over, as people move on with their lives and usually forget what they saw, what they ate in all those functions.

When the newly married couple returns from their honeymoon, they now face the reality , and the acid test begins.

Now, irrespective of the number of functions which the bride and the groom’s side had organized, irrespective of the amount of money spent by each side on those extravaganzas, irrespective of the number and profile of the guests who attended those functions, and irrespective of the showmanship exhibited by each side on those functions, the one and only one critical factor which can now bring happiness, satisfaction, peace of mind, and a sense of fulfillment to the newly married couple as well as to their respective parents is –

“ Has the young couple passed the acid test, and have proved to each other that they are truly made for each other, and can now live happily ever after? ”

Isn’t it a sheer miracle , if the marriages solemnized after such series of tests have the capacity to withstand the harsh realities of life such as the cultural differences between the families, bloated expectations of not only of the bride and the groom with each other, but also of their respective families from each other ?

It is amazing that the bride is often subjected to a microscopic scrutiny right after the return from honeymoon , and is expected to perform from day one in accordance to the culture of the family she is married into. Any deviation from the norm which may happen out of sheer innocence on the part of the bride is looked down upon. The real culprits behind such issues are generally those who are very closely related to the family of the groom, and who just want to make life miserable for the newly married couple .

The fallouts of such marriages include – extra marital affairs, confused and underdeveloped children, and loss of self esteem which can play havoc with one’s life etc.

No doubt, the so called ‘love marriages’, which defy the conventional method of arranging marriages as detailed above, also do run into problems. The solution does not lie in discarding one method in favor of another. Rather it calls for a realization that a marriage is not just a passport to a high social and economic status.

It is a union of two minds and souls deciding to partner with each other to fight the battle of life, which ends only in the grave. The bodies in which such souls and minds live, need not profess the same faith, speak the same mother tongue, or originate from the same society.

A marriage that actually results in such a union could be the best possible dowry for the groom, and best possible home for the bride.

Big Deal, isn’t it?

“ I am a 25 year old unmarried man......"

A question posed to Dr. Deepak Chopra by a reader of Times of India.

“ I am a 25 year old unmarried man. I read your fortnightly column regularly and want to ask a general question. What is marriage? What factors should individuals consider before getting married, no matter of it is a love marriage or arranged marriage?

This question along with Dr. Chopra’s response appeared in Times of India dated 21st March, 2010.

While admiring the response of Dr. Chopra, this question has tempted me to share a chapter from my work “Don’t Regret Later”, even though it does not appear in the present edition of the book, which caters mainly to the senior school students.


Real Meaning of Marriage

To make a man happy , a woman has to be loving, compassionate and very sympathetic. She has to stimulate his mind and keep him alert and interested. Most of all she has to inspire him to reach for the stars – Dame Barbara Cartland

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences – Dave Mecerer

It would be worth the while to consider the entire process leading to a ceremony called “marriage”, quite typically in our society.

The parents of the eligible grooms and brides generally have predefined standards of elimination/selection of the prospective families considered worthy enough to be ‘acquired’ or ‘merged with’. Their net worth, market standing in terms of social status, place of domicile, mother tongue, religion, and even caste (who says the caste system is dead?) are the primary common factors applicable to both brides as well as the grooms side of the families.

For prospective grooms – their physical statistics, color of skin, present earnings, and the future potential earnings, education are another factors considered. If he smokes and drinks occasionally, and has friends belonging to the opposite sex, then these do raise some eyebrows. If he is working abroad, then his net worth goes up exponentially (who says foreign brands do not command a premium)

For the prospective brides, the critical minimum determinants are the physical characteristics which would include the length of the hair, the color of her skin, and the health of eyes (the moral right to wear spectacles is perhaps restricted to males only)

After these conditions are met, comes the next stage – which is matching of the horoscopes . (How many of us recollect those predictions by learned astrologers in our own cases, which actually came true? Then why do we rely so much on these documents when it comes to the most critical decision of our life, which can make or mar not only our own lives but also those of the immediate relations as well? By the way, today’s youths pride themselves of being far better educated and being better informed than their previous generations.)

The period of courtship which follows immediately after the engagement ceremony is generally treated as nothing but a social sanction to date. No wonder it is called the best period in marital life. If only it were treated as an occasion for frank discussions, and familiarizing each other with the family cultures, intended lifestyles etc. to create realistic expectations on both sides, things would be far better for the young couple post marriage. And should any serious indication of non compatibility between the two come up, then the young couple should seriously reconsider the proposed plan to go ahead and tie the knot. Without aiming to sound pessimistic, it needs to be emphasized that broken engagement is any day far better than a unhappy marriage.

The ceremonies that follow are nothing but a means of decadent exhibitionism aimed at claiming a higher status in the society, of which we ourselves are not convinced about . ( Who says showmanship is restricted to the world of entertainment?).

In most of the cases , right from the time an alliance is finalized till the wedding ceremony is over, the usual topic of discussion within the families involved as well as others , includes : what all the other side has gifted to their respective son in law and daughter in law, the quantity and quality of various wedding related functions organized by the bride’s and the groom’s side of the family, the likely expenses incurred in each function, etc etc. This lasts only for a few days after the wedding related ceremonies are over, as people move on with their lives and usually forget what they saw, what they ate in all those functions.

When the newly married couple returns from their honeymoon, they now face the reality , and the acid test begins.

Now, irrespective of the number of functions which the bride and the groom’s side had organized, irrespective of the amount of money spent by each side on those extravaganzas, irrespective of the number and profile of the guests who attended those functions, and irrespective of the showmanship exhibited by each side on those functions, the one and only one critical factor which can now bring happiness, satisfaction, peace of mind, and a sense of fulfillment to the newly married couple as well as to their respective parents is –

“ Has the young couple passed the acid test, and have proved to each other that they are truly made for each other, and can now live happily ever after? ”

Isn’t it a sheer miracle , if the marriages solemnized after such series of tests have the capacity to withstand the harsh realities of life such as the cultural differences between the families, bloated expectations of not only of the bride and the groom with each other, but also of their respective families from each other ?

It is amazing that the bride is often subjected to a microscopic scrutiny right after the return from honeymoon , and is expected to perform from day one in accordance to the culture of the family she is married into. Any deviation from the norm which may happen out of sheer innocence on the part of the bride is looked down upon. The real culprits behind such issues are generally those who are very closely related to the family of the groom, and who just want to make life miserable for the newly married couple .

The fallouts of such marriages include – extra marital affairs, confused and underdeveloped children, and loss of self esteem which can play havoc with one’s life etc.

No doubt, the so called ‘love marriages’, which actually defy the conventional (read absurd) method of arranging marriages as detailed above, also do run into problems. The solution does not lie in discarding one method in favor of another. Rather it calls for a realization that a marriage is not just a passport to a high social and economic status. It is a union of two minds and souls deciding to partner with each other to fight the battle of life, which ends only in the grave. The bodies in which such souls and minds live, need not profess the same faith, speak the same mother tongue, or originate from the same society.

A marriage that actually results in such a union could be the best possible dowry for the groom, and best possible home for the bride.

Big Deal, isn’t it?

A feedback on the book 'Don't Regret Later"

"Teenage is a period of little knowledge and abundant confidence. A dangerous mix. Teens consider people less than their own age as children and those above their age as fossils with old thoughts and ideas. The opinions of children and fossils do not matter, so teens are generally very wrapped up in their own world. The only time they listen is when... See More they fall flat on their noses. But that window of attention is very small. Teens dread advice esp. from parents. To top it all, this is the period when critical career altering decisions have to be taken.

Navneet, you have made a wonderful attempt to share experiences and learnings. The way you have defined maturity, your thoughts on learning from experiences, making good friends, setting targets, appreciating the wisdom of elders are very appreciable. I have been recommending your book to parents ever since I read it.

I hope your experiences and learnings of so many years, which you have so painstakingly compiled in a book, change the lives of youngsters. You have made a very positive contribution. Hope you keep writing."

- Rajesh Chaubey

A Question Posed to Dr. Deepak Chopra

Times of India dated 7th March, 2010. A reader poses a question to Dr. Deepak Chopra:

" I've been married twice. The First time was a love marriage and this time, it's like a typical arranged marriage. I've been living with my husband for more than two months now, away from his parents as well as mine. Now, the bone of contention between us is his mother, whom he wants me to obey and please. I have explained many a time that there's a limit to how much I can do. My husband too was married before and his previous marriage was destroyed mainly because of his mother's intervention. Now, I fear that he expects me to keep his mother with us forever."

Without intending to contest the response in any manner of Dr. Chopra, whom I hold in high esteem, I am highlighting a chapter from my work, "Don't Regret Later', as a possible rejoinder to the same :

Be Prepared Before Getting Married

Half the troubles of this life can be traced to saying “Yes” too quickly and not saying “No” too soon – Josh Billings

Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage – Sydney Harris

You a young man and well settled professionally, have finally decided to get married. But are you really prepared to get married ?

Don’t be surprised at this statement, as most of us who get married are adults and also perhaps well settled in our professional lives. But some do not bother to prepare enough ground work to see that their married lives are happy and peaceful.

Some of the critical questions to ponder upon are :

“While I am staying in my house where I have been staying for the last so many years, with my parents with whom I have been staying ever since I was born, and I have well established equations with my parents, brothers, and sisters, will my wife be able to establish equally good relationships with all, and would she be able to be comfortable in this house ? What if there is an misunderstanding between my wife and my mother, or sister or sister in law , what role do I need to play? “

Have you even bothered to sit with your family members to reflect upon such issues which are likely to come up ? Or have you even bothered to discuss the layout and other arrangements of your house with your fiancée to find out if she would be comfortable or not ?

Then , when your wife is expecting your first child, are you all ensuring that she is well looked after ? After all, she is adding a new member to your family. After the child is born, is she being extended adequate helping hand so that she does not feel unnecessarily burdened. Remember, for a first time mother, even a few hours of sound sleep is luxury.

It is a part of our social custom,, that married men do not entertain any suggestions from their in laws side as it is considered to be an interference. But then, some married men also tend to forget that if their better half is unhappy, and she does not get any support from her in laws side, she would perhaps have no other option but to turn to her parents for help. Her parents too would up to a certain point advise her to tackle the situation patiently, but beyond that point, they might be provoked to confront the situation with their son in law and his family.

This may be unpleasant, but then have you and your family done enough to preempt such a situation. Yes, there could be situations where the wife may be unreasonable. Here, it would be in order for the men to have a frank chat with the wife on a one to one basis, and then help her see reason in what she is doing is wrong. If after all attempts the things do not improve, then the men have no choice but to open a dialog with the in laws. It requires ample courage, but then maybe the in laws can help where others have failed.

One advise I got from my cousin who is a couple of years elder to me. He said , “ Can you imagine the kind of challenges which your would be wife is likely to face after marriage ?” I wondered what he meant, and asked him to elaborate.

He continued, “ Well , you have been a part of your family ever since you were born and this is thirty years now. You know your parents ,and your siblings inside out by now. You must have had lots of misunderstandings with your other siblings and even with your parents, you must have also fought with them on various issues and would have also used unpleasant tones with them at times. Then, you might not have been on talking terms with them for quite some time, and one fine day would have decided to break the ice automatically. I am sure, for the rest of your life such kind of periodic misunderstandings and fights between you and your other siblings and your parents is not ruled out. But you need not make any special efforts to maintain your equations with your immediate family members, and others such as your aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces etc.

Now , have you considered what all efforts your would be wife would have to make to establish your level of equation with all your close and distant relations? And above all, considering our kind of society where the expectations from a newly married girl are sky high especially from her in laws, what all would it take for her to live up to these expectations? Her first link to all your relatives is you, and you have to be her friend philosopher and guide , and at times become her protector when she is being unfairly targeted by someone in your family may be even your parents or brother or sister. This is one of the most important secrets of a successful marriage.” He concluded.

Certainly, there was much merit in these words.

While these are not exhaustive details of the kind of preparation required especially by the groom’s side, to ensure a happy and trouble free married life, yet these do form some of the most basic and critical issues which if ignored before marriage, could create serious problems later on.

But the key issue is, how many prospective grooms and brides bother to even reflect upon the same and work upon it, rather than leaving the same to be taken care of by their respective destinies?

How I wish the answer to this question was encouraging!!!

An Interactive Session on ' Don’t Regret Later’

Saturnday Feb 20^th 2010.

 I conducted an interactive session on the subject, “ Don’t Regret Later’, for the students of classes 9^th and 11^th,  of Kendriya Vidyalya school at Rangpuri, as per an earlier invite by the  Principal of that school.

This was the second interactive session conducted by me on the said subject at a school.  

The one hour session was an unforgettable experience for me. The response of the attendees during the session, and the written feedback by some of them end of the session was  amazing to say the least.

Following are the excerpts of the some of the responses. The same have been edited to address the grammatical errors only:

Respected Sir,

Your views were very useful. We promise you that we would do our best to follow your advise.

Thanking you Sir,

Laxmi Giri. Student of Class 11th

The session was very good because I realized certain facts of life. It was full of crucial aspects relating to the life of youngsters.

This session was very good. I learnt many things from you. The anecdotes relating to your own school days were really inspiring. We realized not to repeat such mistakes and stay away from certain so called friends who can lead one to the wrong path. Your emphasis on ‘one and only precious life’ was very inspiring to all of us.

It was a very bad day for me, because I had failed in my English exam. The question paper set by the teacher was so tough that I could not do anything, hence I failed, and became nervous subsequently. But Sir, you have told us so many things and have also opened my eyes. You are God for me Sir. My name is Abhishek and whenever I attain success I will remember you Sir.

I think that this session would be helpful to every student in this important juncture of life.  We really need to utilize our time properly, keep away from deadly addictions before it is too late. After all, we have one and only precious life. I liked your way of counseling by sharing your anecdotes with us.

I found the session to be interesting and inspirative. It dealt with all those issues which have a vital impact on our careers, health, and future life. Well, it is a human tendency to do things which are not right, considering them to be adventurous. But such things need to be thought carefully before doing the same.

The age in which we are in at present, forms the basis of every aspect of our lives ahead, and every action of ours would affect our parents, elatives, as well as the society.

So, we should do things after considering the likely impact , be on the right path, thus having nothing to regret upon later in our lives.

Swati – Student of Class 11^th B

I was bored when I heard that we were to attend a lecture. But end of the session, I am quire surprized. This lecture would be a turning point for me. My very tough, unadventured mind has changed into a soft and adventurous one. I am using the word ‘lecture’. Sorry it was not a lecture, rather it was a piece of advise shared by an experienced individual who knows what is good and what is bad for life. I don’t want to be late in changing my mind and having to regret all my life.

Thank you

Lalit Kumar and Gang

It was good to hear the suggestions given by respected Sir. We really need these suggestions because they depict the reality which we have to face in our lives.

These pieces of paper, on which some kids in the most impressionable years of their lives, have expressed their feelings on this effort of mine, are perhaps the most prized and valuable possessions for me, which I would treasure all my life.

I am indeed overwhelmed and touched, for these kids have made me realize that I have been able to effect a positive change in them.

My Best Wishes to all of them!!!   

 

Navneet

An Interactive Session on ' Don’t Regret Later’

Saturnday Feb 20^th 2010.

 I conducted an interactive session on the subject, “ Don’t Regret Later’, for the students of classes 9^th and 11^th,  of Kendriya Vidyalya school at Rangpuri, as per an earlier invite by the  Principal of that school.

This was the second interactive session conducted by me on the said subject at a school.  

The one hour session was an unforgettable experience for me. The response of the attendees during the session, and the written feedback by some of them end of the session was  amazing to say the least.

Following are the excerpts of the some of the responses. The same have been edited to address the grammatical errors only:

Respected Sir,

Your views were very useful. We promise you that we would do our best to follow your advise.

Thanking you Sir,

Laxmi Giri. Student of Class 11th

The session was very good because I realized certain facts of life. It was full of crucial aspects relating to the life of youngsters.

This session was very good. I learnt many things from you. The anecdotes relating to your own school days were really inspiring. We realized not to repeat such mistakes and stay away from certain so called friends who can lead one to the wrong path. Your emphasis on ‘one and only precious life’ was very inspiring to all of us.

It was a very bad day for me, because I had failed in my English exam. The question paper set by the teacher was so tough that I could not do anything, hence I failed, and became nervous subsequently. But Sir, you have told us so many things and have also opened my eyes. You are God for me Sir. My name is Abhishek and whenever I attain success I will remember you Sir.

I think that this session would be helpful to every student in this important juncture of life.  We really need to utilize our time properly, keep away from deadly addictions before it is too late. After all, we have one and only precious life. I liked your way of counseling by sharing your anecdotes with us.

I found the session to be interesting and inspirative. It dealt with all those issues which have a vital impact on our careers, health, and future life. Well, it is a human tendency to do things which are not right, considering them to be adventurous. But such things need to be thought carefully before doing the same.

The age in which we are in at present, forms the basis of every aspect of our lives ahead, and every action of ours would affect our parents, elatives, as well as the society.

So, we should do things after considering the likely impact , be on the right path, thus having nothing to regret upon later in our lives.

Swati – Student of Class 11^th B

I was bored when I heard that we were to attend a lecture. But end of the session, I am quire surprized. This lecture would be a turning point for me. My very tough, unadventured mind has changed into a soft and adventurous one. I am using the word ‘lecture’. Sorry it was not a lecture, rather it was a piece of advise shared by an experienced individual who knows what is good and what is bad for life. I don’t want to be late in changing my mind and having to regret all my life.

Thank you

Lalit Kumar and Gang

It was good to hear the suggestions given by respected Sir. We really need these suggestions because they depict the reality which we have to face in our lives.

These pieces of paper, on which some kids in the most impressionable years of their lives, have expressed their feelings on this effort of mine, are perhaps the most prized and valuable possessions for me, which I would treasure all my life.

I am indeed overwhelmed and touched, for these kids have made me realize that I have been able to effect a positive change in them.

My Best Wishes to all of them!!!   

 

Navneet

A Question Posed to Dr. Deepak Chopra

The following question appeared in the column "Ask Deepak Chopra" of Sunday Times of  India (Delhi edition) dated Jan 31st 2010:

 Few days back, I got married. My family spent a lot of money on my wedding and everything was fine. But somewhere inside me, I am not happy since then. I might sound disrespectful, but when I see the wedding album now, I see my parents who still look so young, compared to my husband's parents who must be my grandparent's age. One question constantly keeps bothering me, "Do they deserve me?" I feel I should have waited and got something better. I want to run now-from him, from everyone. Should I accept this as destiny?

Without intending to question the response of  Dr. Chopra, whom I hold in high esteem, and empathizing the feelings of this lady, I must state that this is a case of inviting regrets oneself, simply by taking such important decisions of one's life without due diligence. Come on, did this young lady not observe the age profile of her prospective in laws before getting married ? Was she OK with it then or did she disregard it as trivial and was perhaps too overwhelmed by the prospect of getting married somehow at that time , and leaving everything else to be handled her destiny later on ?

What do you say?

Times of India (Delhi Edition) Dated 30th Jan' 10

"As the psychological distance between childhood and adulthood shrinks, kids are playing out their fantasies in far more grown up ways. They're feeling the need to have boyfriends and 'make out' as parents, struggle to strike the right balance between 'being relaxed and liberal' and 'drawing the line'."

Really scary. Hope to address such malaise through my book 'Don't Regret Later.'

Regrets. A necessary evil ?

Yes, I do agree that while it is not possible to avoid ALL regrets in one's life, but going by own experiences, as well as borrowing from the experiences of others, I am of the firm opinion that YES, it is possible to avoid at least some major regrets in one's life, if one were to take prudent decisions early. Would that not make a significant qualitative difference to one's life ? And as a footnote, let me add that some of us are even bent upon repeating the mistakes of others whom we know. Isn't that adding to our regrets later on in our lives and that too unnecessarily?. Best Wishes

A Book With a Mission

This book, Don't Regret Later ( copyright 2009 Navneet Dhawan) is meant for all those high school students, who would prefer avoiding some costly mistakes or blunders, with possible disastrous consequences, in this precious and only lives of theirs, rather than unnecessarily committing the same, and condemning themselves to live in regret, possibly for ever.

Mission behind this book

Given a choice, would you not prefer avoiding some costly mistakes or blunders with possibly disastrous consequences, in this one and only precious life of yours, which could otherwise condemn you to live in regret, possibly for ever ?

Regrets are a part of one’s life. It is not uncommon to hear some people say :

“ I really regret that while in school I thought life was so easy , and thus having wasted my most crucial years in useless things “ or

“ I really regret not learning by others’ mistakes where career related decisions are concerned, and wasting my precious one and only life by unnecessarily repeating the same in the most crucial years of my life while in school” or

“ I really regret being in the wrong company while in school and picking up destructive habits like smoking, drinking, drugs etc because of which I have ruined my health, career and my life, besides being a disgrace for my family and society ” or

“ Wish I had the maturity to realize that being on the wrong side of law is not a sign of heroism or any adventure. Rather it is a path towards ruin and self destruction” etc

Such kind of statements are not mere sighs of disappointments in life. Rather, such statements are also an indication of the ill fate which has befallen upon an individual not by any supernatural force, but by the individual himself.

While quite a few incidents and events which an individual experiences in his life, could be preordained, yet there is no doubt about the fact that a significant amount of one’s overall well being and the “ups and downs” in one’s life, could be attributed to one’s own self as well.

Some of these very factors could be so potent or so devastating in their impact, that an individual may be condemned to live in regret all his life, without any hope of deliverance from the ill effects of those “regrettable actions/decisions” once made.

It is precisely to prevent at least some of such devastating and regrettable actions/decisions of some high school students, who would care to read this book and take adequate lessons from the same, that I decided to write this book

Whom is this book targetted at ?

This book is targeted at high school students, from ninth class onwards.

Why ?

At the high school level, students are perhaps at the most crucial juncture of their lives.

For one, they are not well acquainted with the harsh realities of life and secondly, also because they are at a very impressionable age , they are vulnerable to committing some costly mistakes or blunders, under a false sense of adventure or accomplishment.

Such costly mistakes or blunders could be so devastating in their impact, that erring students could be condemned to live with the after effects throughout their lives.

Moreover, their careers and overall standing in the society could also be severely compromised, just because of those blunders.

Some of such costly mistakes or blunders, have often made headlines, which have sent shock waves throughout the country. Of course, one can only feel sorry for such kids, who either did not have the wisdom or maturity to identify such potential pitfalls with disastrous consequences, or were simply carried away with a misplaced sense of adventure or accomplishment.

Besides, the pain and agony caused to their parents and teachers by such costly mistakes or blunders, just cannot be imagined.

Value Proposition of this book

This book is based on real life incidents, some of which pertain to my own life, some of which pertain to the lives of those whom I have known personally, and some of which pertain to the lives of those, whom although I have not known personally but have come to know about the same through some credible sources. Thus, as this is not a work of fiction, the readers would find it relatively easier to identify themselves with the various narrations as illustrated in this book, and drive home the relevant conclusions.

Furthermore, this book aims at enabling the high school students develop the right mindset and the right perspective towards life. Specifically, while attempting to enable them avoid any major pitfalls in this crucial juncture of their lives, this book also aims at enabling them to perceive the reality of life without distortions, and take crucial decisions with regard to their studies, career etc accordingly.

Thus, if one is genuinely interested in controlling one’s own destiny to a large extent, by avoiding as many costly mistakes or blunders as possible, and by learning about certain harsh realities of life through others who may have learnt the same the hard way, then one can make an excellent beginning with this book, aptly titled as “Don’t Regret Later.’

End objective of this book

This book is intended to be a journey and not a destination. Thus, it is not an exhaustive guide for every student to enable them avoid all major regrets in their lives ahead.

At the very least, the end objective of this book is to begin that endless journey with a single step, which is enabling the high school students develop the right mindset at such crucial juncture of their lives, with which they are able to realize the harsh realities of life, as well as identify and avoid at least some major pitfalls right now. Else, no use blaming one’s stars for the same later on or having to regret later throughout one’s life.

For whom is this book not meant

If anyone is bent upon learning about certain pitfalls/ harsh realities of life, only the hard way, then this book is certainly not meant for him.

If you consider this initiative of mine worthy enough to benefit either yourself, or your wards who are in the high school, or your students, then I would be pleased to conduct interactive session/s on the same at your educational institution (depending upon the feasibility), and also offer copies of my book on cost basis for the benefit of the intended beneficiaries.

Plee feel free to contact me at my emails - navneetdhawan@dontregretlater.com or navneetdhawan@yahoo.com, or via this blog

Best Wishes

Navneet Dhawan

New Delhi.