“ I am a 25 year old unmarried man...."

A question posed to Dr. Deepak Chopra by a reader of Times of India.

“ I am a 25 year old unmarried man. I read your fortnightly column regularly and want to ask a general question. What is marriage? What factors should individuals consider before getting married, no matter of it is a love marriage or arranged marriage?"

This question along with Dr. Chopra’s response appeared in Times of India dated 21st March, 2010.

While admiring the response of Dr. Chopra, this question has tempted me to share a chapter from my work “Don’t Regret Later”, even though it does not appear in the present edition of the book, which caters mainly to the senior school students.


Real Meaning of Marriage

To make a man happy , a woman has to be loving, compassionate and very sympathetic. She has to stimulate his mind and keep him alert and interested. Most of all she has to inspire him to reach for the stars – Dame Barbara Cartland

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences – Dave Mecerer

It would be worth the while to consider the entire process leading to a ceremony called “marriage”, quite typically in our society.

The parents of the eligible grooms and brides generally have predefined standards of elimination/selection of the prospective families considered worthy enough to be ‘acquired’ or ‘merged with’. Their net worth, market standing in terms of social status, place of domicile, mother tongue, religion, and even caste (who says the caste system is dead?) are the primary common factors applicable to both brides as well as the grooms side of the families.

For prospective grooms – their physical statistics, color of skin, present earnings, and the future potential earnings, education are another factors considered. If he smokes and drinks occasionally, and has friends belonging to the opposite sex, then these do raise some eyebrows. If he is working abroad, then his net worth goes up exponentially (who says foreign brands do not command a premium)

For the prospective brides, the critical minimum determinants are the physical characteristics which would include the length of the hair, the color of her skin, and the health of eyes (the moral right to wear spectacles is perhaps restricted to males only)

After these conditions are met, comes the next stage – which is matching of the horoscopes . (How many of us recollect those predictions by learned astrologers in our own cases, which actually came true? Then why do we rely so much on these documents when it comes to the most critical decision of our life, which can make or mar not only our own lives but also those of the immediate relations as well? By the way, today’s youths pride themselves of being far better educated and being better informed than their previous generations.)

The period of courtship which follows immediately after the engagement ceremony is generally treated as nothing but a social sanction to date. No wonder it is called the best period in marital life. If only it were treated as an occasion for frank discussions, and familiarizing each other with the family cultures, intended lifestyles etc. to create realistic expectations on both sides, things would be far better for the young couple post marriage. And should any serious indication of non compatibility between the two come up, then the young couple should seriously reconsider the proposed plan to go ahead and tie the knot. Without aiming to sound pessimistic, it needs to be emphasized that broken engagement is any day far better than a unhappy marriage.

The ceremonies that follow are nothing but a means of decadent exhibitionism aimed at claiming a higher status in the society, of which we ourselves are not convinced about . ( Who says showmanship is restricted to the world of entertainment?).

In most of the cases , right from the time an alliance is finalized till the wedding ceremony is over, the usual topic of discussion within the families involved as well as others , includes : what all the other side has gifted to their respective son in law and daughter in law, the quantity and quality of various wedding related functions organized by the bride’s and the groom’s side of the family, the likely expenses incurred in each function, etc etc. This lasts only for a few days after the wedding related ceremonies are over, as people move on with their lives and usually forget what they saw, what they ate in all those functions.

When the newly married couple returns from their honeymoon, they now face the reality , and the acid test begins.

Now, irrespective of the number of functions which the bride and the groom’s side had organized, irrespective of the amount of money spent by each side on those extravaganzas, irrespective of the number and profile of the guests who attended those functions, and irrespective of the showmanship exhibited by each side on those functions, the one and only one critical factor which can now bring happiness, satisfaction, peace of mind, and a sense of fulfillment to the newly married couple as well as to their respective parents is –

“ Has the young couple passed the acid test, and have proved to each other that they are truly made for each other, and can now live happily ever after? ”

Isn’t it a sheer miracle , if the marriages solemnized after such series of tests have the capacity to withstand the harsh realities of life such as the cultural differences between the families, bloated expectations of not only of the bride and the groom with each other, but also of their respective families from each other ?

It is amazing that the bride is often subjected to a microscopic scrutiny right after the return from honeymoon , and is expected to perform from day one in accordance to the culture of the family she is married into. Any deviation from the norm which may happen out of sheer innocence on the part of the bride is looked down upon. The real culprits behind such issues are generally those who are very closely related to the family of the groom, and who just want to make life miserable for the newly married couple .

The fallouts of such marriages include – extra marital affairs, confused and underdeveloped children, and loss of self esteem which can play havoc with one’s life etc.

No doubt, the so called ‘love marriages’, which defy the conventional method of arranging marriages as detailed above, also do run into problems. The solution does not lie in discarding one method in favor of another. Rather it calls for a realization that a marriage is not just a passport to a high social and economic status.

It is a union of two minds and souls deciding to partner with each other to fight the battle of life, which ends only in the grave. The bodies in which such souls and minds live, need not profess the same faith, speak the same mother tongue, or originate from the same society.

A marriage that actually results in such a union could be the best possible dowry for the groom, and best possible home for the bride.

Big Deal, isn’t it?