A Question Posed to Dr. Deepak Chopra

Times of India dated 7th March, 2010. A reader poses a question to Dr. Deepak Chopra:

" I've been married twice. The First time was a love marriage and this time, it's like a typical arranged marriage. I've been living with my husband for more than two months now, away from his parents as well as mine. Now, the bone of contention between us is his mother, whom he wants me to obey and please. I have explained many a time that there's a limit to how much I can do. My husband too was married before and his previous marriage was destroyed mainly because of his mother's intervention. Now, I fear that he expects me to keep his mother with us forever."

Without intending to contest the response in any manner of Dr. Chopra, whom I hold in high esteem, I am highlighting a chapter from my work, "Don't Regret Later', as a possible rejoinder to the same :

Be Prepared Before Getting Married

Half the troubles of this life can be traced to saying “Yes” too quickly and not saying “No” too soon – Josh Billings

Almost no one is foolish enough to imagine that he automatically deserves great success in any field of activity, yet almost everyone believes that he automatically deserves success in marriage – Sydney Harris

You a young man and well settled professionally, have finally decided to get married. But are you really prepared to get married ?

Don’t be surprised at this statement, as most of us who get married are adults and also perhaps well settled in our professional lives. But some do not bother to prepare enough ground work to see that their married lives are happy and peaceful.

Some of the critical questions to ponder upon are :

“While I am staying in my house where I have been staying for the last so many years, with my parents with whom I have been staying ever since I was born, and I have well established equations with my parents, brothers, and sisters, will my wife be able to establish equally good relationships with all, and would she be able to be comfortable in this house ? What if there is an misunderstanding between my wife and my mother, or sister or sister in law , what role do I need to play? “

Have you even bothered to sit with your family members to reflect upon such issues which are likely to come up ? Or have you even bothered to discuss the layout and other arrangements of your house with your fiancée to find out if she would be comfortable or not ?

Then , when your wife is expecting your first child, are you all ensuring that she is well looked after ? After all, she is adding a new member to your family. After the child is born, is she being extended adequate helping hand so that she does not feel unnecessarily burdened. Remember, for a first time mother, even a few hours of sound sleep is luxury.

It is a part of our social custom,, that married men do not entertain any suggestions from their in laws side as it is considered to be an interference. But then, some married men also tend to forget that if their better half is unhappy, and she does not get any support from her in laws side, she would perhaps have no other option but to turn to her parents for help. Her parents too would up to a certain point advise her to tackle the situation patiently, but beyond that point, they might be provoked to confront the situation with their son in law and his family.

This may be unpleasant, but then have you and your family done enough to preempt such a situation. Yes, there could be situations where the wife may be unreasonable. Here, it would be in order for the men to have a frank chat with the wife on a one to one basis, and then help her see reason in what she is doing is wrong. If after all attempts the things do not improve, then the men have no choice but to open a dialog with the in laws. It requires ample courage, but then maybe the in laws can help where others have failed.

One advise I got from my cousin who is a couple of years elder to me. He said , “ Can you imagine the kind of challenges which your would be wife is likely to face after marriage ?” I wondered what he meant, and asked him to elaborate.

He continued, “ Well , you have been a part of your family ever since you were born and this is thirty years now. You know your parents ,and your siblings inside out by now. You must have had lots of misunderstandings with your other siblings and even with your parents, you must have also fought with them on various issues and would have also used unpleasant tones with them at times. Then, you might not have been on talking terms with them for quite some time, and one fine day would have decided to break the ice automatically. I am sure, for the rest of your life such kind of periodic misunderstandings and fights between you and your other siblings and your parents is not ruled out. But you need not make any special efforts to maintain your equations with your immediate family members, and others such as your aunts, uncles, nephews, nieces etc.

Now , have you considered what all efforts your would be wife would have to make to establish your level of equation with all your close and distant relations? And above all, considering our kind of society where the expectations from a newly married girl are sky high especially from her in laws, what all would it take for her to live up to these expectations? Her first link to all your relatives is you, and you have to be her friend philosopher and guide , and at times become her protector when she is being unfairly targeted by someone in your family may be even your parents or brother or sister. This is one of the most important secrets of a successful marriage.” He concluded.

Certainly, there was much merit in these words.

While these are not exhaustive details of the kind of preparation required especially by the groom’s side, to ensure a happy and trouble free married life, yet these do form some of the most basic and critical issues which if ignored before marriage, could create serious problems later on.

But the key issue is, how many prospective grooms and brides bother to even reflect upon the same and work upon it, rather than leaving the same to be taken care of by their respective destinies?

How I wish the answer to this question was encouraging!!!